Help, help!

I want to help!

Have you ever “Helped” someone when they really didn’t ask for help? How did that go? As an “Acts of Service, Gal,” helping is pretty high on my love language scale in both showing and receiving love. However, the kind of “help” we are giving will determine the response.

I was raised where we all help until the job is done. Overall, I think this is wonderful! A perfect example of this would be helping do the dishes when you eat at someone else’s house. You ask if you can help and even if you are told…No…You start stacking dishes and clearing the table to help your host. Dishes… the job that is always never done. So help doing the dishes is always welcome in my book!

For some of us, myself included, our helping nature can slip over into fixing or fix-it mode. Our minds are meant to problem-solve and we want to take care of people. However, I have learned that my help/ fixing isn’t actually wanted and it isn’t always received well…

A phrase that has saved me a lot of frustration… and apologies for overstepping is… “Do you want me to speak into this or are you just needing a safe place to vent?” When I ask this question, it helps me and the person I asked determine how the conversation will move forward. This is a form of setting expectations and boundaries and it is so powerful for both parties involved!!

Sometimes people do not realize they are venting. Venting is a healthy thing to do as long as it is with a safe person who is able to stay neutral on the subject. I think of venting as getting poison out of our system. A dear friend, Peter Eisses, shared when you need to vent, do it with someone who can help be part of the solution to the problem or situation. I love this because God brings us answers to problems in many ways. Our friends and spouses often have the wisdom we need. Most importantly, we need to lay our situations at Jesus’s feet and receive a complete healing detox. Healthy venting for me looks like letting the emotions and frustrations out and then moving forward in a positive way.

We also have the opportunity to be a safe place for those closest to us as well. If you use the question and ask if they are just venting or would like you to speak into the situation, you are gaining clarity on how to move forward. If they need a safe place to vent, you get to listen. If they would like you to speak into them you have received a green light to share the insight that is being highlighted to you. When people ask for “help” or insight it is more often received compared to when we give people our “help” without them asking for it.

I think we can all easily think of situations where we have “helped” without being asked. When you look back how was your “help” received or did you have to do some damage control? Have we used the excuse, “I just tell it like it is” to help when it isn’t asked for as well? I believe helping is a powerful gift and yet we need to rule our gift. Making sure our help is wanted will ensure our insights have the greatest impact.

So even when we have so much to say on a situation or subject …. You can follow these 3 steps!

Step 1

Ask the powerful question.

Are you just needing to vent in a safe place or would you like me to speak into this situation?

Step 2

Wait for the response.

Step 3

Be part of their solution!

Listening and sharing insight are both powerful ways to help!!!

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Learning and applying these 3 steps has been a game changer in my life. I hope they can benefit you as well!